What I hate about you…

(This post has been written in bits and pieces over the last 2 months so much of it is old news or a little scattered in terms of thoughts. Also, not all points provided below are directly from my personal experience and may just be things that I’ve heard others go through or came to mind at the point in writing)

As I’ve probably mentioned for the 1000th time in my blog, I have met some wonderful men before. Men who have made me understand myself better and helped me respect myself and not expect anything less from anyone. Likewise, I’ve met men, who have stepped on me, disrespected me and treated me like I didn’t matter. I’ve also met men whom I cannot help but mock because of their cheesy lines, greater than God delusions and nasty lies I can see through like clear glass. The worst is I’ve met men who have made me laugh, made me realise why I am glad to be a woman, how stupid their entire species can be and how much less evolved they really are (by this moment I am certain 200 men are waiting to poke forks through my eyes).

However, I hope that I could pay my dues to society by offering you men an insight of what we deem as inappropriate and what we would much rather you not do. The list is truly exhaustive and as most men would complain by the end of the list, we women are too fickle, too picky and have too many expectations. However, if men can write and lament about their perfect woman for hours and hours, I am sure we should be allowed to tell you what exactly we DON’T want in our partners – if you have an issue, please open a blog of your own and come up with lists of qualities you dislike in women. I’ve decided to pick the TEN most important things you should avoid doing – there are many many things actually but I guess we should take baby steps and start with 10.

I must say, I speak for myself and maybe a handful of women who agree with me.

#10: Do not try to dish out advice that we do not ask for.

Unless we ask you if our highlights are nice or if our dress looks slutty, I don’t think you need to be telling us. We fork out hundreds of dollars to ensure we look nice and presentable and it is not very nice to feel all your efforts go down the drain because you decide to open your mouth. We have enough girlfriends to whom we would turn to for advice and God also made some men gay to ensure we got the right perspectives on things. You wouldn’t appreciate us telling you how to parallel park or whether putting your money on Manchester United was a bad idea would you?

#9: Don’t undermine us.

If I had a penny for every guy who gave me this crap, half-past-six of an explanation, “You’re a girl” for anything that goes wrong, I’d be a millionaire by now. Our gender divides are minimal and most of them are socially constructed – biologically there isn’t even 10% of differences between a woman and a man. Don’t ever undermine a girl because she is just that. If a woman can bear a child for 9 months and have that child come out of her and watch the entire process, she’s definitely much stronger than you give her credit for. Ever wondered why God made the woman bear the child? Perhaps its because he deemed she was much stronger than the man? Just because you can do a few more pull-ups than her, you can run a little faster than her, does not mean your survival instincts are any stronger than hers. This is a world that’s slanted towards the male and yet women are thriving – would it be the same if the tables were turned? Respect her and admire her strength and help her reach what she strives to reach – don’t dampen her spirits before she has even started.

#8: Don’t lie to us to make yourself feel better

Remember Her World and Cleo and how they make it sound like men are the cool dudes who are completely secure with themselves whilst we women are the ones who are constantly putting people down so that we feel better about ourselves? They were so wrong. I’ve met men who lie to me about the way their family sees me so that I will work harder at impressing them, men who’ve lied about beautiful ex girlfriends so that I’d feel like I’m not worthy and men who’d tell me things they claim their friends say about me just so that I’d feel like I’m not good enough for this guy, yet he’d stay with me (awww such a sweet guy). If you need an ego boost, please date a pre-schooler so you can constantly feel better about yourself. Beating someone down to make yourself feel better, is stupid, caveman behaviour and just plain ineffective.

#7: Don’t check out our girlfriends

I understand that men are naturally swingers and get easily distracted by pretty little things that walk around. But please spare our girlfriends. A good girlfriend is hard to come by and its even harder when you’d choose to check out or try to flirt with our girlfriends. If you do think they’re hot, good for you – but please try to wipe that dribble of saliva before we actually catch you in action. There are a thousand and one pretty girls walking around, please don’t choose our close friends. It not only makes it incredibly difficult for us to feel good about ourselves, its also extremely awkward to be the girlfriend who gets checked out by her friend’s boyfriend.

#6: Don’t diss our girlfriends

If you thought #7 was important, #6 is three times as important. If you think our girlfriends are skanky whores, it wouldn’t take you long to think we are the same. If you feel that our friends are sluts, it wouldn’t take you long to think we are sluts too. Our girlfriends are the ones we confide in about you, about the immense times we get our hearts broken and the ones we consulted before dating you, even. As such, dissing our girlfriends is equivalent to dissing us. Just like how you do not like it when we diss your buddies or pass scathing remarks about them, we do not appreciate your insensitive remarks.

#5: Don’t get overly sensitive

Yes, I understand that its the age of the SNAG but am I the only one who gets a little put off by men who cry, men who pour out their feelings, men who get emotionally hurt? No, I don’t want a caveman or a chauvinist but I still believe that its a little unsettling to see a man burst into tears when he feels hurt. Likewise, I am also irked by women who get overly emotional in relationships so it isn’t really a gender thing. I think that there should always be a level of calm that is maintained and if you choose to wear your emotions on your sleeve, then you bear the consequences. Seeing an overly sensitive man always puts me off because as it is,a relationship can be rather tiring what more with someone who is completely emotionally insecure.

#4. Don’t spend more time than us in front of the mirror

Yes everyone likes a presentable and hygienic guy. But my advice would be that you could stop at deodorant and hair wax. We don’t really want to see you carrying M.A.C around or having to re-do your hair every few hours. Leave the preening to us. I know we are hypocritical since we can spend hours and hours apply and re-applying our makeup but it just irks us to see you doing the same. I’ve been out with guys who check their appearances on reflective surfaces more often than me and it just disturbs me. Our last obsessions with pretty boys ended when we were 5 and played with Barbie and Ken.

#3: Don’t try to replace our ex boyfriends or anyone from our past

If we wanted to date our ex boyfriends, we would still be with them. We do not expect you try to fill up the shoes of someone who has left our life, we are with you because of who you are. Don’t get frustrated with yourselves if you cannot be the person who once used to be where you were – we leave relationships because we learn what we do and do not need through them and as such we are not looking for carbon copies. Do not then take it out on us when you feel like you cannot match up (or down) to people who were previously in our lives. Why put unnecessary pressure on yourselves and later blame us for it?

 #2: Don’t spin stories about us

We understand that boys get hurt sometimes. We also understand that stereotypes from ages ago have reiterated that boys shouldn’t cry. That doesn’t mean you go spin stories and bitch about girls because they have advertently or inadvertently hurt you. If you decide to broadcast a fact that has been true, I guess you’re entitled to do so. But to make up lies, such as that a girl gave you a **** in a taxi or that a girl has 40 over boyfriends (both completely fictitious examples my dear readers), makes one sound like an immature asshole and isn’t going to gain you brownie points from any girls unless the ones you’re interested in are as shallow as Barbie dolls.  People who think girls are the bitchier sex obviously haven’t met enough of the wrong type of men. Some men have amazingly vicious tongues and go on and on. I hope at some point they reflect and realise they too have mothers,sisters and daughters. What would YOU do if the same things were spewed about your family members?

#1: Treat us with RESPECT

No one’s asking you to open doors or pull out chairs. I always scold girls who insist on complete chivalry from their men because I think that at this day and age, chivalry is just a convenient delusion for us. We keep assuming there’s this perfect man who’d do all these things to make us swoon and keep striving till we get to him. REALITY CHECK – there isn’t and if there is, he’s probably gay, dead, taken or just trying to impress you for a quick lay. All we need is some respect. Listen to her when she speaks, respect her opinions and share with her what you think. Don’t expect her to be just a fixture in your life. If you want her to treat you with respect, then you got to take a step by treating her with respect as well. Make her know what she means to you and don’t allow her to be mistreated. Constantly try to understand her perspective and where she’s coming from and you’d come to realise that she’d be a lot more forgiving too.

Tired…

I’m physically, mentally and emotionally tired.

I’m tired of running from practice to practice, from place to place doing things without a breather in betweeen.

I’m tired of running from practice to practice, from place to place, doing things for people who don’t appreciate it.

I’m tired of everyone’s emotional tantrums.

I’m tired of not being able to afford to throw such emotional tantrums.

I’m tired of people who cannot keep their commitments to one organisation and flit to the next one before they’re done.

I’m tired of people who make my life difficult.

I’m tired of people who cannot take no for an answer.

I’m tired of people who want to wait for things I can never provide them.

I’m tired with myself for never being able to make up my mind.

I’m tired of incessant sms-es and phonecalls I don’t wish to answer.

I’m tired of the aches, the bruises and the injuries.

I’m tired of wearing stage makeup 3-4 times a week.

I’m tired of so much unfinished business everywhere I turn.

I’m tired of being afraid to even look at my organiser to see the list of things left to do.

I’m tired of cleaning up after people.

I’m tired of people who claim to be my friends and wait for the next opportune moment to take a pass at me.

I’m tired of having to tolerate anything and everything people choose to say.

I’m tired of people who think they have me figured out after just one encounter.

I’m tired of people who try to dish out advice to me based on the above.

I’m tired of people who think they can run off their mouth around me and get away with it just because I’ve mellowed down.

I’m tired of people who cannot take me seriously.

I’m tired of you.

I’m tired of being told I look tired.

I’m just so tired…

Proof that cavemen still exist! (A.K.A: Dimwit #2)

You would imagine that at this day and age men and women would have learnt to treat each other as equals. At the very least expressing equal respect towards each other and accepting that each of us has freewill to do what we want to do. Time and time again I come across the good, the bad and the ugly and then the jackasses. I’ve met some true gems of men but there are times when I meet the ones that deserve to get my heel aimed straight at their eye.

Since everyone has been complaining about my hiatus and how I only seem to be writing boring stuff (must be excessive Oprah), I thought I’d share an experience that has left me disgusted, shocked and annoyed to say the very least. Ladies and gentlemen – here is proof that cavemen still exist!

Last week I was invited to a birthday party. Unfortunately I only knew one other person and that too would be my first time meeting that particular person. Better than nothing I figured. But this person turns out to be the WEIRDEST ever, most OBNOXIOUS ass I’ve met. To explain clearly how weird this person is I shall state the odd things he did. Remember everyone, this is my FIRST encounter with this caveman a.k.a psycho.

#1: You missed live action

While waiting for directions to the place the birthday dinner was being held, I stood at the entrance of the main building. While I was there, this older white man approached me to ask me where he could buy clothes. I tried to give him suggestions and then he rather cheesily tries to tell me that I could follow him. I tell him I can only give him a general direction and suggested he takes a cab and leave. Thereafter this hero zero walks in with two of his friends from the same boxing academy as himself I believe and introduces himself to me. I tell him quite candidly what happened and this by the way is the first 15 minutes of our conversation. I had to listen to him tell me over and over how I should have called him because I would have gotten to see live action and that him and his boxing mates could have pummelled this guy.

Okay I understand if you really pride yourself in being an ace boxer or you seek some sick joy out of beating people up. But listen up boys out there – if you think that talking about hitting a guy with pride in the first 15 minutes of your first conversation with someone is the best way to get an impression, I’ve three words fo you: IT IS NOT!

But granted, this is still not half as weird and I assume he is just cocky. Doesn’t matter since I don’t know him and I don’t have to know him right? WRONG.

#2: Touchy Touchy Mister

Thereafter he keeps constantly patting my back rather hardly – I would consider it whacking more so than tapping and when he talks to me he somehow rests his hands on my leg. Now, I really don’t think he was doing it to sexually harrass me and that much credit I would give him. Rather, it seemed to me that he was trying to give everyone the impression that he has known me for a 1000 years. Later, he also tells me how he told his friends he has known me for a rather long time. Why would anyone do that? What was he trying to prove?

Boys out there: If you’ve just met a girl, a friendly pat on her shoulder is fine. But refrain from whacking her back or resting any of your body parts anywhere on her. This is not just because it could be misconstrued as sexual harrassment but also because its a little disrespectful and demeaning to someone you have just met!

Apart from that imagine how inappropriate this is: he mentions to one of his boxing people that I am a dancer and this person also does not know me at all and goes, “yea you look like a dancer. your body seems very flexible.” I sure as hell hope this is a person with rather bad English and what he meant to say wasn’t what he actually said.

#3: Be my mack Daddy

Thereafter, I still choose to be polite and apart from telling him not to put his hands on me, I continue conversing with him and his friends. If this was me before, I swear my fork would have been gorging his eyeballs out already but I am peaceful now so he was spared such brutal violence.

While the birthday boy invited everyone at the table to get dinner, this idiot turns to me and goes, “Olunga Saapidu. Maanathey vaangathey” (loosely translated means: eat properly, don’t make me embarassed). At this moment I was completely PUZZLED. How does me eating properly have anything to do with his pride/dignity? He sounded like a total caveman at this juncture. I was really just perplexed. (at this point by the way I hadn’t even said anything about whether I was eating or not).

After dinner and me messaging my friends 90 percent of the time to ensure I didn’t need to talk to them, the waitress brought us slices of cake. I had met another friend for lunch and we had shared 2 really decadent cakes between us and I was not at all wanting another bite, so I politely tell the waitress its okay. He gets all weird and goes “No no, you have to eat cake” and blah blah blah. Thereafter, he goes “Don’t make me feed you ah!” and comes near me with a spoon. This is where I pretty much snap and tell him not to force me to do things and that he is just embarassing himself by pulling such stunts.

Am I the only one who finds such actions weird my dear readers?

#4: Be my Ballerina

After all that drama, I quickly excuse myself as I needed to meet a few friends at O Bar and I leave. When I’m leaving suddenly I hear these 3 guys making plans to go to O Bar. I practically fly there in a taxi and try to get in the club before they reach. When in the queue with my friends, this weirdo comes to me and asks us in the most OBNOXIOUS and POMPOUS tone, “how many of you are there?” – What is he? The manager of O Bar?

Goodness. If that isn’t bad enough, when I am inside and happily seated faraway from these people with my own friends, he sends one of his friends to come tell me he needs to talk to me about something. He sounded quite serious so I follow him to where the caveman and caveman’s friend are. There, the caveman says “Dance with my friend”. I was completely PISSED at this moment. I was having a good time with my friends and I was made to come here to be commanded by you to dance with your friend? I told him that I am tired and he says…

“Its okay, dance with my coach”

WHAT THE HELL??? I told him straight to his face that he has no right to command me to do things I didn’t want to and that from the minute I met him, he’s been the most obnoxious ass I have ever met and I walked away.

I’m sorry but do I look like a ballerina in a musical box that everytime you open my box I should start dancing???

SERIOUSLY, what is wrong with this guy? I really have no words to describe the anger I felt right after that. I was so pissed that guys like this actually exist and that too have gone through a good education and are in fairly decent jobs. I am so disturbed that he could actually think that he could get away with such behaviour. And most of all, the entire thing made me laugh – cos I finally found Dimwit #2.

No pictures this time cos he doesn’t have a Friendster nor a Facebook account. If you truly want to know what was running through his head, send me a message and I will give you direct contact to this guy.

A note to all men out there: This is the 21st century. People are actually allowed to make their own decisions and be free to exercise the right to decide who they want to dance with and what they want to eat. If you beg to differ, please be prepared to be clubbed on the head.

The Fem-Male Divide

I have personally always found Vasantham Central programmes a pain to watch. I do believe that there is a lot of talent and Indians have a great deal of potential. Yet, I have never understood the need for long dreary serials, talkshows that do not provide proper discourse or ideas, poorly structured shows and shallow and superficial programmes. I would much rather spend my time on an online portal watching my favorite seasons of Will and Grace or Army Wives rather than click “05”. This is not, my dear readers, because I dislike Tamil. I love my mother tongue and am incredibly proud of it.

 I also would love to support an Indian channel because if we don’t then who will? But its so terribly painful to sit through any of their programmes except maybe the variety shows which are packed with songs and dances which require little intellectual processing.

There is this one particular show that has gotten on my nerves more than anything else has in quite awhile. This show called, “Aanaa, Penaa?”. This literally translated means, “Male or Female?”.  The main idea of the show is to get 3 male celebrities and 3 female celebrities and put them through a round of challenges which some unifying theme each week. This could be to either figure out if women are better singers or if men lie more than women. This and a few jing jang songs and medley items and voila! A show!

Now why does this seemingly harmless show irritate me? Because my friends, I feel that at this day and at this age, the male and female divide is no longer as distinct as we once considered it to be. The show as my sister would say seems to be so regressive in nature. I once did a Gender Studies module and I felt many of the stereotypes and assumptions I have made about gender get thrown out of the window during the course of that module. Men and women are not as different as we make them out to be. In fact, although we can attribute some small differences such as upper body strength and genitals, most of these distinctions we have between men and women are largely SOCIAL CONSTRUCTS.

We are in fact a lot more alike than different. The categories of male and female are as arbitrary as organising us ourselves according to racial groups, hair colour, blood types, handedness and even heights. These categorisations are here to organise society, not for us to base our distinctions and differences and determine who is superior or inferior.

As such, I feel that the person/s behind this show are either very very unaware of the fact that men and women are essentially not very different or are just have a very flippant attitude towards what goes on our televisions. This is what irritates me the most. We, the audience are not stupid people. There are so many things to talk about, so many ways to structure programmes. Yet, time and time again our intelligence is undermined with shows that do nothing to enhance our way of thought or for that matter even to provide us with something bearable and at the very least humorous to watch.

Another thing that irks me about this show is the immense amount of stereotypes the celebrities featured, lean on to “support” their sex. Such as the age-old joke about the Indian girl who lies to her mum about group study and goes clubbing, who changes her clothes from a long sleeved shirt to a tube. OR the jokes about Indian men and their numerous girlfriends. And other rubbish like this. I am not saying that these things don’t happen in society, but they are just getting very very stale and incredibly tiring to watch. Enough of assumptions and stereotypes, they are so stupid and make you sound stupid and make us the audience stupid for tuning into your channel when we could have easily rented a DVD or something.

Dear Vasantham Central and Production companies,

If any one of you, just one of you ever does read this blog, please.. I beg of you. Do something about this atrocity and joke we call a channel. There are so many issues to talk about, so many programs to feature. There are many themes for variety shows yet you choose to base your shows on the dumbest of them all. Please do the rest of us, your audience a favour and either stop shooting and wasting your money on such rubbish and just import programs or start looking carefully at your society and mirror what they want to hear and see. Reflect us, the people you represent. The people who have stories to tell. Not stories like those that appear in your dramas such as abusive husbands and long lost siblings who fall in love with each other, but REAL stories of REAL Indians. I appreciate that you have a vast amount of production and media experience. I on the other hand am a humble blogger who knows zilch about producing a show. But there is so much to be said and so much to be heard. You have great actors and actresses. Your child stars never fail to amaze me with their prowess in acting. But why aren’t their potentials being unleashed? Why is it that the kind of straightforwardness and amazing conceptualisation we see at dramas put up by our own Indian groups hardly show in televisions?

Give us a reason to support you. Start hiring people who realise that society is not a given but in fact just a template for understanding the world. People who choose to investigate society and not take everything at surface level. People who produce and want to make a difference. People who aren’t afraid of controversy. People who actually represent us, your people.

The television is an incredibly powerful medium to connect with your people. If there is anyone at all who can change and reform this society, it is you. Please do something!

Aarthi.

 

A little lesson and some random thoughts

Hello world and its inhabitants! It must have been awhile since you last heard from me and if anyone still does occupy this space, I hope you read this. This is a little tutorial for all you earthly beings. Now, I know I am no expert on how the world works but I am sure I know a thing or two that might be of help to you, you and definitely you.

TUTORIAL

I am sure there have been times when you feel like someone’s messed up or someone is doing something the way they shouldn’t be doing it. Now lets analyse this. Why do you think they have messed up? Is it because you believe this person has messed it up and because s/he is not doing things the way YOU want them to do it?

If that’s the case then here’s a tip, get a life of your own to live. Start realising that not everyone has to follow your own rules and that we all have very very different ideals of what a “good” life is. “Good” is in fact so culturally relative. You might think that spending a night drinking different kinds of Tequila is your idea of a perfect life. I may not share that, but does that mean I get to decide that you’re a loser wasting your life away? You might be messing your liver up, but NO you are actually completely right in deciding what a good life is for yourself!

Now got that earthly beings? To the second point now. Suppose this person does think s/he is screwing up his/her life and you see what the problem is? What do you do? Do you A.Go around to all his/her friends and whine and complain B.Ignore that person because you think they aren’t worthy of your friendship or C.Talk to that person.

Now my dear friends, this might come as a shock to you but the answer is actually C. Amazing isn’t it? But its true, if you feel like someone has a problem, talking to them would actually help solve the problem or at least give you a bit of a better insight to this person’s actions. Trust me it actually works!

Now that I’ve attempted to contribute to the betterment of your lives my dear readers, let me get back to my usual self-loving self where all I want to talk about is myself and what concerns me. If you actually think I write for you, then this is where you press that little “X” on the right side of this window.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

1.Why do people do all the rubbish in the world then the moment they are attached act like absolute SAINTS?

I’ve always been irked by this concept but I have a few friends who suffer from relationshipidentitis. See when they are single, they go about doing whatever they want to do, like dance and grind in clubs, smoke, drink and sleep around. Now notice, I am not saying this is the wrong way to live (please refer to TUTORIAL here). But the moment they get attached, they seem to make a complete turnaround, often acting like they’ve never seen a cigarette before and even frown upon others who choose to live the way they used to.

Let me relate this specific person who used to actually dance with me and my girl-friends in clubs. He was always around us like such a close friend and never ever made any judgements about us. Now the moment he got attached, one of my girl-friends actually caught wind of the fact that he was telling his gf that we girls are terrible in clubs! Now, now if only I had the power to turn back time and take a video or two of the things I’ve seen you do with chics in clubs and the stories I’ve heard. But its okay, I shall live and let live.

Its fine to do whatever you want, and change however you want, but please for gods sake, stop putting yourself on a pedestal assuming you have the right to judge the rest of the world. No one died and made you God (now that sounded wrong didn’t it?)

2.Why do foreign workers pray to ATMs?

Please don’t get me wrong. I am no xenophobic and as much as the foreign workers have irked me at times, I admit I have no rights to judge them since they contribute a lot more to society than I do. BUT I cannot for the life of me understand why they take so long at ATMs. I’ve been to Tekka a few times this week and the ATM at Tekka market has been removed so I have had to walk to Little India Arcade instead. And a queue with about 5-7 foreign workers takes about 30 minutes or so to pass! I am really not kidding. Today was not too bad but yesterday I had a terrible time waiting! What do they do in front of the machine? Pray that money will magically appear? Concentrate on amounts? Calculate and convert everything to home currency? Please remind me never to draw money at Tekka again.

3.Why do I attract psychos?

Do I give out some sort of hormones that just attract psychos? If Rainbow Rose man was not weird enough here are some other experiences I have had over the last few months.

Yesterday, a random woman sees me at Tekka and asks me for directions to Jalan Besar. I point out the general direction and she asks me if I am local. I say yes, and she tells me she is too but she hasn’t come to Tekka in a long time. Then she asks me if its very scary to drink coffee alone in Tekka. I tell her to go to Ananda Bhavan since its indoor and it shouldn’t be a problem. She says oh okay and asks me whether I want to join her for coffee and asks me 2-3 times to be sure I don’t want to join her. Okay maybe she’s being polite but I don’t think I randomly ask people to join me for coffee. Hell there are people I’ve been wanting to ask out for coffee for eons and still haven’t gotten to!

Then there’s this weirdo who messages this to me on Facebook. Apparently the time for Friendster-weirdos is over and its now Facebook.

“gf, ur beauty really mesmerize me. never in my life i ever came across a beautiful indian gal here in singapore…..in the movies of course la i ever saw b4…..but here in singapore not even once…..then i read ur profile n it says tat u r into men n women….n tat really pull my trigger to ask u if u care to add me up….well btw of ur looks, u r attractive. very attractive… but i noe where im standing. so lets go for a win-win solution…..only if u r attracted to me, or looking for companionship. (i call it pleasure frens) or u r set for a multiple orgasms…hahahaha j.j….then u can accept me k. wat do u thing…….is it a win-win solution?”

I really have no idea where to start on that one.

Now there are a lot of other weirdos I’ve met like the Starbucks waiter who insists I come again tomorrow and calls me by name and certain people who don’t seem to get the hint that I really do not enjoy seeing them. What would it take? Me hitting them smack on the head with something heavy and sharp?

ANYWAY, I am done ranting and before this becomes one of those pubescent blogs where I start going into painful details about exactly everything I did today and what exactly I bought and who I met and what I ate and okay you get the point, I shall STOP here and pray something significant happens for me to talk about or I can consider closing this blog!

The Rainbow Rose Man

Before I begin I would like to confirm that I am a girl. And no this post does not speak for any other girls and men please do not stop buying them flowers because of what you read here.

I think I am starting to have an aversion towards flowers. Okay maybe not flowers but bouquets. Over the span of the last 2 years, I have received quite a number (thanks to all the romantics in my life) and I have developed an aversion towards them.

Today, someone I met rather recently though I have known of for a few years scared surprised me with a bouquet. A very sweet gesture no? Not really when I have never actually gone out with this person and even today I was not supposed to meet this someone. This person calls me asking me what I have on today and I say I have dance class. I usually don’t think twice when someone asks me where my class is because its quite a normal question and tell him where it is nearby. He works nearby so he said he needs to pass me some forms for a dance competition and wanted me to ask a few friends to participate. Sounded pretty normal and I agreed hestitantly though I had no friends who would actually participate in one but it seemed like a polite thing to at least try.

So fine, I reach dance class 30 minutes late and I really thought he had forgotten he was supposed to meet me and there he is waiting at the MRT Station and suddenly he whips out a bouquet. With roses in 7 different colours. Yes a rainbow bouquet of roses. Now most girls would be ooh-ing and aah-ing here. But first it is very freaky unsettling to take so much for a person you barely know. Secondly, I do not particularly like roses though I have to say I’ve never seen a bouquet quite as beautiful ( I always thought rainbow bouquets would look weird). Thirdly, I am just not someone who enjoys carrying a bouquet around.

Now lets get to the last point. To me, the entire idea of walking around with flowers seems very ridiculous. Especially when I do not have any way of explaining the flowers. Its not my birthday, I didn’t get proposed to and I am not Britney Spears (though that’d be interesting).

So guess what I do? I turn cold,clammy and tinker on the edge of hyperventilating. I apologise and tell him I really cannot accept the bouquet and try to disappear as fast as I can. I was freaked out. It was quite a hilarious sight seeing one person with a bouquet trying to calm a near hyperventilating person who is freaked out by the idea.

Everytime I see a bouquet now, I just freak out. I don’t know why but it just freaks me out because I just don’t know what to do with flowers anymore. I hate carrying them around and after they dry out I don’t know what to do. Yes I admit at one point in time, I gushed and swooned over flowers but right now they just leave me feeling cold,clammy and unable to breathe. I realised that guys don’t think about the aftermath of sending a girl flowers. Like one INTELLIGENT person who sent it to a school I work at teaching dance part time and left me freaking out for a bit. The thoughts behind the gestures are really so sweet but they just point at the male inability to think of consequences such as How do I explain this since I am a newbie teacher? What do I do with it at dance class? Who is going to ask me who these are from? SHIT He’s not even my boyfriend, what do I say???

So guys, a reminder, if you’re not sure if your chic digs the big bouquets, just give her a stalk of her favorite flower or something. Its a lot easier to keep in obscurity and when she runs out of things to do with it, she can make it into a bookmark or use the stem to prod and clean little crevices in her room. And if you REALLLLLLY feel like you need to impress, buy her a REAL gift, one that involves thought and more than just a good florist. A book, a margarita, a beer, a flashy car or better yet a house with a nice big garden where she can grow her OWN flowers.

 

And I mean it, the gestures and thoughts behind the action are beautiful but make sure when you do give a girl flowers she is in a position to accept them and knows exactly what she can do with them and is proud to lug them all over. And if you’re wooing me, an ice cold Heineken will be good thank you. =)

Hey Psycho Macho – This one’s for you!

I know I try to avoid angsty posts but sometimes its just good to let it out and today I finally got exactly what I needed to totally throw you away. Wait, correction. I threw you away a long time ago but this is exactly what I needed to prove that you deserved to be thrown away. To protect your arse, lets just give you initials KF.

Firstly, you were the most nightmarish relationship any girl could possibly endure. Yea so what if you claimed you’re some big charmer? Its apparent you used those lines on every other girl. I still remember the times I would even shudder to SMS someone who was remotely male even though it was always platonic, you being the jerk you were always had questions for me. I remember the time you told me you’d break my face. I should have broken yours there and then. I remember how you used to diss my family, often going on for ages comparing them to your family. Fortunately I was brought up better so I shall not stoop to your level.

I love the way you go around telling people this new chic is the first to be brought home. Come on sweetheart, don’t you remember how you kept me around for ages by using that as a bloody mantra telling me your family trusts and loves me. I love the way you call me a fling to people you don’t know but when it comes to people who know me, you always make it a point to act like some bloody Devdas as though you gave your entire life up for me. Bullshit.

I remember how you made me feel so ugly, so cheap and so unworthy of you. I remember how the night before Dhool you told me your friend thought I wasn’t that great a dancer. I remember the times you’ve tried to convince me not to get involved in school activities because you wanted me to be with you. I still remember how time and time again you made me feel like you were doing me a favour being with me.

It feels so good now to see people tell me you’re such a jerk. It feels even better to hear that you met your current gf in January -when horror of horrors, we dated till March. Feels great to hear you spent your birthday with her, when I the girlfriend spent the entire evening assuming you were at DXO drinking.

Remember how guilty you made me feel the first time I ended things when you threatened to break my face? I wish I never came back. I remember how you made me face your entire family and now I wonder why I even bothered. Remember the ways you used to make me promise you I wouldn’t go for my friends’ farewell and the kind of attitude you used to give me when I decided to go meet them? I am so glad I don’t have to face it now.

Remember how you’ve always told me I am not that pretty, my makeup is not that great, my hair is terrible, oh my nails, goodness – I am so glad I am now around people who love me the way I am.

Its hilarious to see that you can now tell people so straight up that you cheated on me in those months. Thank you KF, it feels great to know for sure that you truly were a jerk. I love how your reason when you dumped me was that I gave you too much space – well sure seems like it was good enough space for you to be cheating on me aye.

Oh by the way does your current girlfriend know that you were messaging sometime in April telling me you missed me and that I was the only girl you ever brought home, about my legs(yes you perv), and what not? Sigh. Come on KF, I always thought you were up for an open relationship.

Its been 9 months since you’ve been out of my life and boy am I so glad. Ladies, this is a lesson to all of you – if my story sounds familiar – get him out of your life right now!