The Ifs and Buts..

What is happening around here? I think I’ve pretty much lost most of my readers since my comments and hits are slowly but surely dwindling. Sigh. The woes of growing up and having too little time to surf the net I guess.

Anyhow, I have been reading this book titled, “Things I want my Daughters to Know” by Elizabeth Noble”. The story is basically about a lady who finds out she has terminal illness and the letters and preparations she makes that change her daughters’ lives forever. She leaves each of them a letter with all the things she wants them to know as well as all the advice she wouldn’t be around to provide them with. She had 4 daughters and she prepared everything such that when her youngest girl turned 21 the year after, her husband was there to pass her a gift she had chosen before she passed on. Its a pretty good book and honestly, its as usual put me into a pretty contemplative mood.

I always have been curious about death. No, not in that is there an after life or do we just get swallowed by the ground kinda curious but more of a what death means and what would be the best way of dying. I know it sounds pretty sick but trust me that’s so not what I’m pointing at. I wonder if it would be better if I died suddenly, so I never spent days in pain or days worrying about an impending death. I wonder if it would be easier if I died knowing it was going to happen, being able to tell all the people I love and loathe what exactly I want to. I wonder if I would be missed, if tears would be shed, if secretly someone had regrets; an untold romance, an apology or even a complaint.

My friends often chide me for thinking about all these things and tell me not to think about my death which I hope is very far away (hell I intend to get married, give birth and do loads of things before game over!) But I am not worrying about it, I just wonder.

I wonder what I would if I knew by some stroke of chance my deathday.

I think I would spend a little more time cherishing you. Not snapping at you so easily when you ask me unnecessary questions. I would appreciate all you went through to get me where I am. And I would hug you and kiss you, something we seem to have forgotten to do all these years that it feels awkward.

I would thank you for putting up with my unnecessary requests since the time I was 4. For the various hairstyles and makeovers. For the moments at the swing and for always demanding to know what was wrong. For never letting me mess it up. For the times you stood up for me. I would spend a little more time trying to understand who you have become and I would insist on a margarita or a martini with you again. I would hug you tightly and tell you that while I may not always know why you do what you do, I will always stand by your choices and be happy for you.

I would thank you for snooping all the time because I always knew I had to behave cos you were looking over my shoulder. I would tell you to stop fretting about being right all the time. I would tell you its okay to fail once in awhile. I’d tell you that that time when I was 14 and told you I wish I didn’t have you in my life, I was wrong and I am sorry because there has never been another day I regretted it. Okay, I lie, there are days I wish you weren’t so sneaky or so fierce but I love you for that and I know I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I would tell you that I am sorry for hurting you despite the many times we tried to make it work. I would tell you that I could never learn to love you the way you love me. I would tell you that I don’t understand what it is you saw in me to stay so smitten. I would tell you that every one of those times, I genuinely wanted to make it work. I would also tell you that I was often so afraid that one day you might wake up and realise I’m not worth it. I will tell you that honestly Valentines Day only got exciting the moment we tricked an entire restaurant. I never wanted you to become my fallback plan, the person I’d be with to just settle. I want a crazy love story.

I will tell you that it is you whom I loved from the moment I met. You had me getting butterflies the morning after wondering if once the intoxication fades you will remember me. You made me swoon and although I don’t swoon anymore as much, I know you were the one I loved in abundance. I would tell you I wish it didn’t have to end but that I understand why it did. I would tell you that every minute of it was magic yet a terrible nightmare. I would tell you that the times you were away, I cried a lot and sometimes I felt it will never get better.I would tell you that as much as I liked lilies, I lied when I said they were my favourite flowers. I didn’t have a favourite flower then, I said it to be smart. But now I do, and they are lilies. I would ask you if you still read my blog.

I would tell you that I wished we never stopped being friends. That you made me very happy and feel so girly. You got me excited and you got me to be positive. But I would also tell you that you have become so negative, if I dared sit through one of your emotional tantrums. I would tell you that there were many things I hid from you, but it was all because I wanted to protect you. I would tell you that you let far too many things have more impact on your life than yourself. I would tell you to fall in love, really.

I would tell you that I hate your guts. I hate the way you always turn out to be right. That if you’ve read thus far, you’d have spotted enough errors for me to want to kick your ass. I would hug you and tell you that you made the last two years so much easier. I would gain the courage to tell you that I wonder if we could have been anything more than what we are. That secretly, everytime we talked about what others say, I enacted the itty fantasy of us together in my head. I would also, if i dared, tell you that the fantasy seemed nice. I would tell you that you were perfect and that you always smell very nice. I would tell you that you’re the bestest buddy in the wholewide world.

I would learn how to cycle and swim. I would learn how to drive and hone my skills at Daytona. I would dare to wear that denim skirt that makes my butt look a tad too big.

I would dare to go out there and take those silly videos of me dancing and pretend I can make my own little Youtube performances for all the happening Tamil songs I adore.

I would admit that I do worry what people think of me though I pretend not to care. I would admit that I still have girly crushes despite how I try to evade all questions about them. I would then try not to care so much and blog everything that comes to my mind. Hmm maybe that would make for more exciting posts that you would actually feel like reading.

I would tell you two that you’re perfect for each other. In all the time I’ve known you both which hasn’t been very long, I’ve hardly seen a large display of affection but in your eyes I always see that concern. The way you stay close because you don’t want him to worry and the way he despite being the life of the party, often looks out to see if you’re doing okay .

I would tell your mother to let you live your life not based on any horoscope of yours. I would delete all your profiles on any matrimonial site and tell you to start treating yourself better so that someone could come treat you the same.

I would tell you to make up your mind. I would tell you that you’re free to cheat and lie but to pretend like you’re the good one after that just isn’t fair.

I would want you to know that I could never be like you. Be able to let everything else go for a dream which seems more like a fantasy to many. But I would also tell you that I wish I could do what you do. Give up everything and perhaps dance all my life? I wish I was like you but I know I am much too pragmatic to be able to do that.

I would tell you not to be so hard on yourself. But I would also tell you to quit brooding and acting like its all your fault.

I would tell you that I had the greatest fun lining up your presents. I enjoyed going through your 22 years of memories to pick the best and I can tell you from a completely neutral perspective that you’ve lived a fantastic 22 years. I would also tell you that your Dad is proud of you. And I would tell you to quit waiting it out and just get into a damn relationship with her.
I would tell you that as much as I always claim you two bully me, if I was lucky enough to have younger sisters, I would steal you both from your brother and make you all mine.

I would tell all of you thanks for giving me the chance but I am much too arrogant for my own good that I shut people off the minute they say or do something that irks me. I would tell you that on a normal day, you would have made me swoon, but I think no amount of charm can make me swoon anymore.

I would kick your ass at Air Hockey. Maybe if I’m lucky, Daytona too.

I would tell you that I don’t really like sushi very much, but subway I adore. I would tell you that though we joke about it all the time, the possibilities never left my mind. I would tell you that I do wonder what’s going on in your head when you seem so lighthearted about relationships and love. I would let you choose all the ice cream flavours and force them down my throat however badly they suck. I would tell you that I was flattered and am always flattered by your remarks and that you make me feel very pretty and talented.

I would perhaps not worry so much about whether the Honours is a good idea and follow myself. Join the police force? Join the prisons force? Do whatever it is I feel like doing, regardless of whether you think its a good idea.

I would dance a little more. I wouldn’t worry so much about stretching my legs a little further lest I fall when I bend. I would lose myself in the song just so that at least once my bhava is perfect. I would thank you for guiding me always and for all the side advice you’ve given me. I would tell you that you were the embodiment of love and that I yearn to have half of your zest for life.

I would visit my Primary School again not to see my teachers or reminisce, but just to drink that Chocolate milk and sit along the drain. I would not worry so much and carry you in my arms. I would daringly go for a facial. I would tell my hairdresser how incredibly hot I think he is.

I would dance in the rain once more. I would tell you that I don’t care if the words I love you are too serious and strong, I’m gonna say them anyway. I would tell you not to bother calling him if he doesn’t want to talk to you. I would tell you to walk away cos you deserve so much more.

I would want you to know that its fine to get hurt.

I would watch a lot more of Gossip Girl and Samantha Who? Maybe even pay to subscribe to Megavideo so they don’t cut my serials in between when I’ve watched too much!

I would tell you that I never liked you. I would tell you that I was envious of your ability to always be right, to always do the right things, to always be approved as the epitome of what a girl should be. I’ve tried doing that, and I never felt quite so comfortable being judged against a template of what I should be doing.

I would tell you that I do get jealous but I am just a much better actress than yourself.

I would tell you that I lie, that I have hurt, that I have done some things I have not been proud of. But that I would never regret them. Wait, I lie, I do regret them and I’ve spent hours wondering what it would be like if I hadn’t done them.

I would get that tattoo. That same one I’ve been pondering over and considering as an after arangetram thing.

I would tell all you girls how much I adore teaching you. How I see a small part of me and my friends in each and everyone of you.

There are days I feel like I say too much and there are days I feel like I hold back. Today I know I’ve said far too much but it still doesn’t feel like I’ve said enough. After all, if I were to base my entire life on this one entry, it just doesn’t say much about the life I’ve led.

To all those of you were mentioned here or not mentioned here, please do not come ask me if this was you or this wasn’t you. If the glove fits, wear it. (Is that even the right expression? Is it shoe? cap? Ah you get the point) I’m not about to name people one by one and in some instances one statement could have referred to more than one person. If I wanted you to know, I would have put your names there.

Oh and if you’re wondering why parts of the post keep changing and keep getting longer, its because I’ve decided that this post will keep changing. It will keep changing till the day I decide it will not change anymore or till the day I’m certain I live with no regrets.

What I hate about you…

(This post has been written in bits and pieces over the last 2 months so much of it is old news or a little scattered in terms of thoughts. Also, not all points provided below are directly from my personal experience and may just be things that I’ve heard others go through or came to mind at the point in writing)

As I’ve probably mentioned for the 1000th time in my blog, I have met some wonderful men before. Men who have made me understand myself better and helped me respect myself and not expect anything less from anyone. Likewise, I’ve met men, who have stepped on me, disrespected me and treated me like I didn’t matter. I’ve also met men whom I cannot help but mock because of their cheesy lines, greater than God delusions and nasty lies I can see through like clear glass. The worst is I’ve met men who have made me laugh, made me realise why I am glad to be a woman, how stupid their entire species can be and how much less evolved they really are (by this moment I am certain 200 men are waiting to poke forks through my eyes).

However, I hope that I could pay my dues to society by offering you men an insight of what we deem as inappropriate and what we would much rather you not do. The list is truly exhaustive and as most men would complain by the end of the list, we women are too fickle, too picky and have too many expectations. However, if men can write and lament about their perfect woman for hours and hours, I am sure we should be allowed to tell you what exactly we DON’T want in our partners – if you have an issue, please open a blog of your own and come up with lists of qualities you dislike in women. I’ve decided to pick the TEN most important things you should avoid doing – there are many many things actually but I guess we should take baby steps and start with 10.

I must say, I speak for myself and maybe a handful of women who agree with me.

#10: Do not try to dish out advice that we do not ask for.

Unless we ask you if our highlights are nice or if our dress looks slutty, I don’t think you need to be telling us. We fork out hundreds of dollars to ensure we look nice and presentable and it is not very nice to feel all your efforts go down the drain because you decide to open your mouth. We have enough girlfriends to whom we would turn to for advice and God also made some men gay to ensure we got the right perspectives on things. You wouldn’t appreciate us telling you how to parallel park or whether putting your money on Manchester United was a bad idea would you?

#9: Don’t undermine us.

If I had a penny for every guy who gave me this crap, half-past-six of an explanation, “You’re a girl” for anything that goes wrong, I’d be a millionaire by now. Our gender divides are minimal and most of them are socially constructed – biologically there isn’t even 10% of differences between a woman and a man. Don’t ever undermine a girl because she is just that. If a woman can bear a child for 9 months and have that child come out of her and watch the entire process, she’s definitely much stronger than you give her credit for. Ever wondered why God made the woman bear the child? Perhaps its because he deemed she was much stronger than the man? Just because you can do a few more pull-ups than her, you can run a little faster than her, does not mean your survival instincts are any stronger than hers. This is a world that’s slanted towards the male and yet women are thriving – would it be the same if the tables were turned? Respect her and admire her strength and help her reach what she strives to reach – don’t dampen her spirits before she has even started.

#8: Don’t lie to us to make yourself feel better

Remember Her World and Cleo and how they make it sound like men are the cool dudes who are completely secure with themselves whilst we women are the ones who are constantly putting people down so that we feel better about ourselves? They were so wrong. I’ve met men who lie to me about the way their family sees me so that I will work harder at impressing them, men who’ve lied about beautiful ex girlfriends so that I’d feel like I’m not worthy and men who’d tell me things they claim their friends say about me just so that I’d feel like I’m not good enough for this guy, yet he’d stay with me (awww such a sweet guy). If you need an ego boost, please date a pre-schooler so you can constantly feel better about yourself. Beating someone down to make yourself feel better, is stupid, caveman behaviour and just plain ineffective.

#7: Don’t check out our girlfriends

I understand that men are naturally swingers and get easily distracted by pretty little things that walk around. But please spare our girlfriends. A good girlfriend is hard to come by and its even harder when you’d choose to check out or try to flirt with our girlfriends. If you do think they’re hot, good for you – but please try to wipe that dribble of saliva before we actually catch you in action. There are a thousand and one pretty girls walking around, please don’t choose our close friends. It not only makes it incredibly difficult for us to feel good about ourselves, its also extremely awkward to be the girlfriend who gets checked out by her friend’s boyfriend.

#6: Don’t diss our girlfriends

If you thought #7 was important, #6 is three times as important. If you think our girlfriends are skanky whores, it wouldn’t take you long to think we are the same. If you feel that our friends are sluts, it wouldn’t take you long to think we are sluts too. Our girlfriends are the ones we confide in about you, about the immense times we get our hearts broken and the ones we consulted before dating you, even. As such, dissing our girlfriends is equivalent to dissing us. Just like how you do not like it when we diss your buddies or pass scathing remarks about them, we do not appreciate your insensitive remarks.

#5: Don’t get overly sensitive

Yes, I understand that its the age of the SNAG but am I the only one who gets a little put off by men who cry, men who pour out their feelings, men who get emotionally hurt? No, I don’t want a caveman or a chauvinist but I still believe that its a little unsettling to see a man burst into tears when he feels hurt. Likewise, I am also irked by women who get overly emotional in relationships so it isn’t really a gender thing. I think that there should always be a level of calm that is maintained and if you choose to wear your emotions on your sleeve, then you bear the consequences. Seeing an overly sensitive man always puts me off because as it is,a relationship can be rather tiring what more with someone who is completely emotionally insecure.

#4. Don’t spend more time than us in front of the mirror

Yes everyone likes a presentable and hygienic guy. But my advice would be that you could stop at deodorant and hair wax. We don’t really want to see you carrying M.A.C around or having to re-do your hair every few hours. Leave the preening to us. I know we are hypocritical since we can spend hours and hours apply and re-applying our makeup but it just irks us to see you doing the same. I’ve been out with guys who check their appearances on reflective surfaces more often than me and it just disturbs me. Our last obsessions with pretty boys ended when we were 5 and played with Barbie and Ken.

#3: Don’t try to replace our ex boyfriends or anyone from our past

If we wanted to date our ex boyfriends, we would still be with them. We do not expect you try to fill up the shoes of someone who has left our life, we are with you because of who you are. Don’t get frustrated with yourselves if you cannot be the person who once used to be where you were – we leave relationships because we learn what we do and do not need through them and as such we are not looking for carbon copies. Do not then take it out on us when you feel like you cannot match up (or down) to people who were previously in our lives. Why put unnecessary pressure on yourselves and later blame us for it?

 #2: Don’t spin stories about us

We understand that boys get hurt sometimes. We also understand that stereotypes from ages ago have reiterated that boys shouldn’t cry. That doesn’t mean you go spin stories and bitch about girls because they have advertently or inadvertently hurt you. If you decide to broadcast a fact that has been true, I guess you’re entitled to do so. But to make up lies, such as that a girl gave you a **** in a taxi or that a girl has 40 over boyfriends (both completely fictitious examples my dear readers), makes one sound like an immature asshole and isn’t going to gain you brownie points from any girls unless the ones you’re interested in are as shallow as Barbie dolls.  People who think girls are the bitchier sex obviously haven’t met enough of the wrong type of men. Some men have amazingly vicious tongues and go on and on. I hope at some point they reflect and realise they too have mothers,sisters and daughters. What would YOU do if the same things were spewed about your family members?

#1: Treat us with RESPECT

No one’s asking you to open doors or pull out chairs. I always scold girls who insist on complete chivalry from their men because I think that at this day and age, chivalry is just a convenient delusion for us. We keep assuming there’s this perfect man who’d do all these things to make us swoon and keep striving till we get to him. REALITY CHECK – there isn’t and if there is, he’s probably gay, dead, taken or just trying to impress you for a quick lay. All we need is some respect. Listen to her when she speaks, respect her opinions and share with her what you think. Don’t expect her to be just a fixture in your life. If you want her to treat you with respect, then you got to take a step by treating her with respect as well. Make her know what she means to you and don’t allow her to be mistreated. Constantly try to understand her perspective and where she’s coming from and you’d come to realise that she’d be a lot more forgiving too.

Loving ME the most

I think I have said this before and I am going to say this again – I feel that I am absolutely lucky and gifted to have been born to a family with 2 inspirational elder sisters and a wonderfully supportive mother and a father who taught me to hold my head up high. This blog entry is inspired by the fact that someone asked me who bought a particular pendant for me (it had something fairly romantic on it) and I answered that it was me. I bought myself that pendant because I think I love myself and this pendant will be a constant reminder to me.

I think that it is so important for all girls to love themselves before loving anyone else. It makes a host of differences to one’s life and I can safely say that I am speaking from experience. I have been in enough relationships, the good and the bad to know that whatever it is, if you don’t love yourself enough, no one is going to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Each of us, owe it to ourselves to respect our hearts, our souls, our minds and our bodies and to show the rest how we deserve to be treated in order to garner the respect we deserve.

Of late, I have been in a fair amount of vulnerable situations which I know I for a fact I didn’t deserve. The point is, however that I understand that I really do not belong to anyone and no one should be allowed to treat me in a way that I do not like. Yet, I know that its not easy to avoid such situations and even a person such as myself, who constantly reminds myself that I need to love myself in order for others to love me can easily find myself in such a situation. It truly isn’t easy and day after day, I see girls with broken hearts, girls with disillusioned dreams, girls with their aspirations astrew and girls who are told they are not as great as they think and I wish there was a magic mirror which would show them how amazing they actually are.

I am lucky to be the youngest of my family. However, if I did have a younger sister and I could only teach her one thing, it would be how to respect and love herself.

5 ways to love and respect yourself

1. Respect your body and what you put into it.

I think the foremost thing is to always respect your physical self. This goes beyond just loving your body but also in being careful how you treat your body. I think it is important for every girl to spend time looking at herself in the mirror, to embrace every single curve and mark on her body and to understand that this is her and this is what she will be and this is her being most beautiful. I think that it is also important to eat well, dress well and project a good image. By doing so, you have taken the effort in taking care of yourself and you have attracted good vibes from other people who will take care of you the same way; with great effort (Its the law of attraction folks!) When you feel like a million bucks, you will tend to walk and behave differently and will thus ensure that everyone else treats you similarly.

2. Do not let anyone disrespect you or treat you lowly.

This is a simple rule that I believe every girl should make her personal mantra. Everyone needs to make some clear rules as to how they should be treated. If someone hits you or hurts you physically, that is completely unacceptable and no girl should tolerate that. I have seen women get hit and have their ego beaten down, trust me when I say it is the most degrading experience. Never stay in an abusive relationship regardless of whether it is physical or emotional or any other sort of abuse. Never ever let anyone think its okay to speak to you as if you are not as good as them and most importantly, always take a stand as to how you want to be treated. The moment you feel that someone is undermining you, speak up and make sure you are treated the way you truly deserve to be.

3. Invest in yourself.

I always feel that this is something we tend to neglect completely. We are always so intent on satisfying other people’s needs and making time for others that we forget to invest time, effort and money in ourselves. We are always so afraid to spend time alone with ourselves to truly understand our own needs and desires. We feel guilty when we spend on ourselves. I think that at some point in time, it is essential that everyone of us is a little selfish so as to ensure that we make ourselves feel a little better. This means to put ourselves before everyone else and to take care of our needs first. Make no mistake, I am not saying that we need to be completely selfish and ignore the needs of others. I am merely saying that we need to focus on ourselves just as much and in fact a little more than we do others. This in no way means that we must allow ourselves to advance at someone else’s expense. We must care for the needs of others as well but we must think of our own welfare as wel. If we don’t look after ourselves, who will.

4. Focus on your positives.

I think this is fairly related to point number 2. I feel that we always look at our flaws more than at what our perks and strengths are.  Why do you consider your chubby cheeks your biggest flaw – look at them from another perspective and they will look so adorable. Why do you think your big butt is your flaw – look at it from another perspective and you’re a lot like J.Lo. Why do you think that scar on your face is your flaw – look at it from another perspective and it adds character to your face, it tells a story and it makes you more memorable and more beautiful. When you focus on what is great about you, those qualities shine and those around you will feel themselves drawn to those qualities more.

5. Respect those around you.

This is simple; do unto others as you would have others do unto you. Treat people with respect and they will understand that you are a secure person who loves yourself and is ready to embrace those around you. Behave with poise and you will find that everyone around you will treat you the same way.

 

 

The Perfect Woman

I will never be the perfect woman. The one with the perfect hair that looks untouched no matter how many times she moves. I will never have the perfect amount of makeup that doesn’t show when the camera flash is on, or that doesn’t cover up my dark spots. I will never get it right, the shoes that match the bag, the accessories that match, the watch that fits the outfit. I will never look like I could be on display at Prada, Chanel or Guess.

I will never be able to wear white without getting it dirty. My powder marks will always be on my clothes. My jeans will always be a little crumpled. My shoes will always have a little grime. I will never eat silently. I will somehow end up talking when there’s food in my mouth. In fact, I doubt I’d ever stop talking. My room will always be in a mess. My bag will always be a dump. I will always use the wrong words and the wrong times.

I will never be the one to hold my peace at the right time. I will always say what I feel like I need to. Of course, I will always feel like smacking myself silly the next day for not holding my peace. I will always have ugly feet and terrible toenails. I will never stop falling down accidentally. I will never stop laughing out too loud. I do drop things and sometimes they break. I do take bad pictures with fat arms, big thighs and pasty faces.

My makeup does melt. My lipstick never stays. My fingernails always break. And my roots will always show. My knees will always be bruised. I will never be able to make the omelette into a perfect circle. I burn eggs and Maggi too.

I will always dance like there’s no tomorrow. I will always overwork myself. I will never stop saying Yes. i will always bark and fight at the slightest thing. My butt will always be too big and my legs will always be too short. I will never learn to stop getting hurt.

This is me, now and this is me always. I will never stop loving myself, now and forever. I may not be perfect, but I am definitely real.

The Rainbow Rose Man

Before I begin I would like to confirm that I am a girl. And no this post does not speak for any other girls and men please do not stop buying them flowers because of what you read here.

I think I am starting to have an aversion towards flowers. Okay maybe not flowers but bouquets. Over the span of the last 2 years, I have received quite a number (thanks to all the romantics in my life) and I have developed an aversion towards them.

Today, someone I met rather recently though I have known of for a few years scared surprised me with a bouquet. A very sweet gesture no? Not really when I have never actually gone out with this person and even today I was not supposed to meet this someone. This person calls me asking me what I have on today and I say I have dance class. I usually don’t think twice when someone asks me where my class is because its quite a normal question and tell him where it is nearby. He works nearby so he said he needs to pass me some forms for a dance competition and wanted me to ask a few friends to participate. Sounded pretty normal and I agreed hestitantly though I had no friends who would actually participate in one but it seemed like a polite thing to at least try.

So fine, I reach dance class 30 minutes late and I really thought he had forgotten he was supposed to meet me and there he is waiting at the MRT Station and suddenly he whips out a bouquet. With roses in 7 different colours. Yes a rainbow bouquet of roses. Now most girls would be ooh-ing and aah-ing here. But first it is very freaky unsettling to take so much for a person you barely know. Secondly, I do not particularly like roses though I have to say I’ve never seen a bouquet quite as beautiful ( I always thought rainbow bouquets would look weird). Thirdly, I am just not someone who enjoys carrying a bouquet around.

Now lets get to the last point. To me, the entire idea of walking around with flowers seems very ridiculous. Especially when I do not have any way of explaining the flowers. Its not my birthday, I didn’t get proposed to and I am not Britney Spears (though that’d be interesting).

So guess what I do? I turn cold,clammy and tinker on the edge of hyperventilating. I apologise and tell him I really cannot accept the bouquet and try to disappear as fast as I can. I was freaked out. It was quite a hilarious sight seeing one person with a bouquet trying to calm a near hyperventilating person who is freaked out by the idea.

Everytime I see a bouquet now, I just freak out. I don’t know why but it just freaks me out because I just don’t know what to do with flowers anymore. I hate carrying them around and after they dry out I don’t know what to do. Yes I admit at one point in time, I gushed and swooned over flowers but right now they just leave me feeling cold,clammy and unable to breathe. I realised that guys don’t think about the aftermath of sending a girl flowers. Like one INTELLIGENT person who sent it to a school I work at teaching dance part time and left me freaking out for a bit. The thoughts behind the gestures are really so sweet but they just point at the male inability to think of consequences such as How do I explain this since I am a newbie teacher? What do I do with it at dance class? Who is going to ask me who these are from? SHIT He’s not even my boyfriend, what do I say???

So guys, a reminder, if you’re not sure if your chic digs the big bouquets, just give her a stalk of her favorite flower or something. Its a lot easier to keep in obscurity and when she runs out of things to do with it, she can make it into a bookmark or use the stem to prod and clean little crevices in her room. And if you REALLLLLLY feel like you need to impress, buy her a REAL gift, one that involves thought and more than just a good florist. A book, a margarita, a beer, a flashy car or better yet a house with a nice big garden where she can grow her OWN flowers.

 

And I mean it, the gestures and thoughts behind the action are beautiful but make sure when you do give a girl flowers she is in a position to accept them and knows exactly what she can do with them and is proud to lug them all over. And if you’re wooing me, an ice cold Heineken will be good thank you. =)

I need you.

Every year Varusha Pirappu (usually on the 14th, but this year the 13th) is celebrated with much joy. It stopped bringing me that happiness a few years back and ever since my life has changed completely when my Dad passed away on the 14th. I know you are looking down at all of us, taking care of everyone and making sure that everything goes wonderfully, but I just wish you were here sometimes. To know that there was one man in my life I always could fall back on.

You are our hero and I really just feel so alone right now. I wish you’d come back. Come back to scold me, to joke about everything, to fight with us, to annoy us with your requests for coffee, to be there when we need to know we are beautiful and that we are loved.

I feel so lonely today. There are a million people out there and I know amidst them are many who love them. But right now, I just feel like I have no one. No one but you to erase this phase I am going through with my life. The moments I just question what the hell I am doing with my life and why I chose this path, when I feel like its impossible to live up to any expectations and mostly when no one understands that I too am capable of hurting. Only you would understand that and right now I need you so much to tell me I am strong and I will pull through this.

Hey Psycho Macho – This one’s for you!

I know I try to avoid angsty posts but sometimes its just good to let it out and today I finally got exactly what I needed to totally throw you away. Wait, correction. I threw you away a long time ago but this is exactly what I needed to prove that you deserved to be thrown away. To protect your arse, lets just give you initials KF.

Firstly, you were the most nightmarish relationship any girl could possibly endure. Yea so what if you claimed you’re some big charmer? Its apparent you used those lines on every other girl. I still remember the times I would even shudder to SMS someone who was remotely male even though it was always platonic, you being the jerk you were always had questions for me. I remember the time you told me you’d break my face. I should have broken yours there and then. I remember how you used to diss my family, often going on for ages comparing them to your family. Fortunately I was brought up better so I shall not stoop to your level.

I love the way you go around telling people this new chic is the first to be brought home. Come on sweetheart, don’t you remember how you kept me around for ages by using that as a bloody mantra telling me your family trusts and loves me. I love the way you call me a fling to people you don’t know but when it comes to people who know me, you always make it a point to act like some bloody Devdas as though you gave your entire life up for me. Bullshit.

I remember how you made me feel so ugly, so cheap and so unworthy of you. I remember how the night before Dhool you told me your friend thought I wasn’t that great a dancer. I remember the times you’ve tried to convince me not to get involved in school activities because you wanted me to be with you. I still remember how time and time again you made me feel like you were doing me a favour being with me.

It feels so good now to see people tell me you’re such a jerk. It feels even better to hear that you met your current gf in January -when horror of horrors, we dated till March. Feels great to hear you spent your birthday with her, when I the girlfriend spent the entire evening assuming you were at DXO drinking.

Remember how guilty you made me feel the first time I ended things when you threatened to break my face? I wish I never came back. I remember how you made me face your entire family and now I wonder why I even bothered. Remember the ways you used to make me promise you I wouldn’t go for my friends’ farewell and the kind of attitude you used to give me when I decided to go meet them? I am so glad I don’t have to face it now.

Remember how you’ve always told me I am not that pretty, my makeup is not that great, my hair is terrible, oh my nails, goodness – I am so glad I am now around people who love me the way I am.

Its hilarious to see that you can now tell people so straight up that you cheated on me in those months. Thank you KF, it feels great to know for sure that you truly were a jerk. I love how your reason when you dumped me was that I gave you too much space – well sure seems like it was good enough space for you to be cheating on me aye.

Oh by the way does your current girlfriend know that you were messaging sometime in April telling me you missed me and that I was the only girl you ever brought home, about my legs(yes you perv), and what not? Sigh. Come on KF, I always thought you were up for an open relationship.

Its been 9 months since you’ve been out of my life and boy am I so glad. Ladies, this is a lesson to all of you – if my story sounds familiar – get him out of your life right now!