Sometimes I wonder if we do want the pain to fade. Does it not mean that the memories too become less imprinted when scars start to heal? I apologise if I sound rather cryptic but I cannot help but be like this at least for the rest of the day.
This year, I am not going to grieve. I am not going to sit and cry about your loss. Not that I don’t miss you or that I don’t yearn for your presence in my life. But this year, I am going to embrace you. This year, its all about you. I want to know how you feel and how we have fulfilled your dreams and expectations. I know you are watching and I know that every step of the way, you are and will always be there. But what I want to know is, if you are happy? Have we kept our promise to live life to the fullest and do what our heart desires? Have we become undesirable or disappointing in your eyes?
I miss you in every sense of the word. From that unique smell you have when you come out of the shower – the heat of the water mixed with the smell of smoke. I miss your rough palms on which time and time again you managed to get glue from the glue gun stuck onto. I miss your loud voice through the receiver everytime you called, leaving us complaining about whether you swallowed a microphone. I miss the way you dance with your hands in your pocket. I miss the rare times your phone number would flash on my handphone calling me to ask me if I wanted food.
I cannot imagine that its been 5 years and we are all still reeling – coping in our own ways. I know we are all hurting but none of us are ready to accept that you’re gone. You will never be, if you ask me. You have left so many little marks everywhere making it impossible for us to ever forget you. I think you have become my God. I no longer pray – I just talk to you. I imagine you sitting there, laughing heartily the way you always do, with a cigarette in one hand and one leg atop the other. I thought I had gotten a little better, being able to finally open up and share. But I realised, I’m still the same – I still miss you and I still need you terribly.
Its as if you chose to go because you just didn’t want to see. You didn’t want to see us get married, you didn’t want to see my arangetram, you didn’t want to see me graduate, you didn’t want to see any of these things. But how could you have not wanted to see? You sowed the seeds that have reaped into this beautiful garden. I really don’t know and I don’t expect you to answer any of my questions.
I’m not angry at you – I’m angry at myself. I’m angry that I never took those moments we had seriously enough till they were gone forever. I’m angry that I still take people for granted after all that has happened. I’m angry that I may never know what your dream for me was.
I miss you so much. I miss the fact that the minute you sit for dinner, that entire sofa is yours. I miss the way you’d fight for the remote. I miss being your baby.
Love you so much and no one, I repeat, no one will ever be able to fix that void you’ve left.